Oatmeal goodness and lazy fairies.

The good news, I’m not dead. The bad news, I am so tired I kind of feel zombieish. I haven’t written in my blog in forever. The real world has come crashing in to interfere with all of the things I like to do, like write and sleep. Writing and sleeping are two of my favourite hobbies but I haven’t had much chance to do either. That evil thing called work has intruded my pleasure. It has evaded every nook and cranny of my life these days. That just goes to show that you should always watch what you wish for, it just may come true. Boy was I a sucker.

So as you may have read previously, I’ve been trying to diet and exercise, which is super fun. That is the other thing that is taking up my time. The other night when I was at the gym I went through the torture chamber they call “circuit training” the lady in front of me who would follow the traffic lights (green means move your ass and red means catch your breath and then get your fat ass to the next machine of torture). Except she would climb onto the machine, sit there, talk on her cell phone, maybe do one repetition. Considering she was skinny it was apparently working for her. Didn’t work so well for me.

Have you ever noticed that the machines on a circuit training loop kind of look like a line up of torture machines? There is one there that looks like some odd birthing chair where you push out impossibly wide with your thighs to work those muscles. Then there is the crunch machine, which basically folds you in half to work your abs. After three kids I can’t even find my abs, I’m not even sure they still exist.

The diet thing has been sketchy too. I’m following this one that has recipes you can make meals from. I made this lovely concoction that had 2 ounces of tuna, plain yogurt and twelve, yes count them twelve, tablespoons of dry oatmeal. Mother of god it was like eating paste that has been drying out because someone left the lid off. It was awesome. Really. Next time any of you stop by I can make you some. Guaranteed you’ll lose weight... from starvation.

My household still has nine members, and let me tell you 1650 square feet doesn’t go that far with that many people in the house. I thought dinner time was chaotic before well now it’s like a gong show and circus combined, at feeding time. Let’s just say the lions and monkeys are hungry.

On Saturday I was wishing for the cleaning fairies to come to my house. So about those fairies. They came, but then formed a Union. They called it Fairies United Carefree Union. It makes for a great acronym. But they didn't clean my house. Wasn't in their collective agreement. Damn fairies.

Anyway, I’m so tired I can’t even be funnier, how sad is that. I should seek therapy, but then I’d need to work even more to pay for it.

Thrilling days and stinky toddlers

I have been remiss in posting to my blog in the past couple of weeks. I have let my fans down. Sorry about that Scott and Mom (my fans). Anyway, what have you all been up to? I’ve been doing incredibly fun things like working and sleeping and changing poopy diapers. I know we can’t all live my exciting life but don’t all be too jealous, if you stop by I’ll even let you change a diaper. That’s how generous of a person I am.

Not much is new in this neck of the woods, same old day in, day out. I’ve jumped back into the eating clean thing I started in January and had slowly sabotaged with my Chinese food and butter chicken habit. Sadly neither is clean living so I had to choose from having an ass the size of Canada or eat clean. Speaking about my ass, I had the worst view of it ever in Safeway on Friday night. When I was at the cashier I turned around and noticed a mirror hanging, designed to be able to see the bottom of the shopping cart. Well I had no shopping cart but mother of Pete my ass filled the entire circular mirror. Let me tell you, it wasn’t a pretty sight.

So I’ve been eating clean and exercising every day this week. I’ve lost five pounds but I’m a bit nervous it’ll find me, like I’ve left little deep fried bread crumbs for it to follow. Dieting sucks though. I got Megs and her friend Kentucky Fried Chicken today and we were driving back home so they could eat their lunch. The smell was like a torture device for my fat starved body.

I know, I know, I’m hardly malnourished.

So being “back on track” means I have to drag my lazy ass back to the gym, which is fun. I especially love the really skinny girls who come to the gym in their cute little outfits and stand around chatting on their cell phones. I tried that method, didn’t decrease the size of my ass at all. There I was sweating like a middle aged fat man in an undershirt, shorts, black socks and sandels and not looking sexy at all. The skinny girls were probably talking to their friend on the phone about the fat chick with a red face doing the human wave. Those of you who have as much fat as me will know what the human wave is. For you skinny people, let me explain. It’s when you jump or hop or skip and all of your body fat rolls up and down like the wave. It’s not a sight you ever want to see when you look in the mirror, unless it’s the guy behind you. I did the Thursday after work torture routine, also known as low impact aerobics.

I’m getting much better, I only stepped on two peoples feet and managed a slight resemblance of the moves at least a quarter of the time. Let’s just say when it comes to all of these complex aerobic dance moves I dance to a different beat. Or a different song all together. I also did circuit training two nights and hiked for three hours on Saturday morning. I was proud of myself but my god am I exhausted. They say exercise is supposed to GIVE you energy but I must be doing something wrong because I feel like I haven’t slept in days.

So in a completely unrelated but just as crazy news my sister and three of her kids are moving in with me for the summer. So instead of four kids there will be seven. My house obviously wasn’t chaotic enough; I needed to add more adventure. I better stock up on duct tape. Logan is excited though, his boy cousin is coming to stay with us. Instead of always getting into trouble by himself now he’ll company.

Have I ever mentioned how gross toddlers are? I went to go help my sister get boxes late this afternoon, I was gone for maybe twenty minutes and when I returned I opened the front door and almost passed out from the stench. Grinning like a Cheshire cat Finnegan came around the corner and put his cute little arms up for me to pick him up. The instant I picked him up liquid poop soaked into my tee shirt. He had poop actually running down his legs. Now before children I would have been retching for sure. Either your sense of smell is dulled with the birth of children or you simply resign yourself to the fact of poop and its many fun appearances. Into the bathtub the kid went and into the laundry hamper went the tee shirt and clothing of the toddler. I was seriously temped to throw them away they stunk that badly.

Megs was supposed to be watching her brother but conveniently didn’t realize her brother had pooped. Considering the house reeked like an overflowing outhouse on a hot summer day I really doubt her claim, but I’ve learned from experience not to argue with a woman/child and her hormones. It’s to the death and my armour is dirty.

Speaking of children, happy daddy’s day to all of you dad’s out there, especially to my honey, Scott. He’s a great dad, he really understands them on their level, teaches them great morals, life lessons and responsibility, oh, and how to kick butt on World of Warcraft. Oh well, nobody’s perfect, but I’ll keep him anyway. Who else will deal with poopy toddlers and still make my toes curl? For father’s day I tried to convince him I was gifting him with the opportunity to spend quality time with his children. Then I went and had a nap. I know, what can I say, I’m so thoughtful.

The “quality time” however wreaked havoc on my clean house, which I paid for this afternoon as I cleaned up and sighed. If only he could clean. THEN he’d be perfect. I’m trying to convince him that I find him cleaning a total turn on. It’s a work in progress, I don’t think he’s buying it. 

So like I said, my life hasn’t been very exciting of late, hardly worth blogging about but I did anyway, what better way to torture your friends and family but with mundane. And poop.

P.S. I posted a picture of Scott in his Beaver Scout leader uniform, I've tried to convince him he looks sexy in this too.  The laughter didn't help my case.

Butter chicken cleanses and submarines

Where did the weekend go, have any of you seen it? One second it was here right in front of me and I blink my eyes for just a second it seems and it’s gone. Sigh. If only I could live in a soap opera, where everyone seems to be independently wealthy and always has great hair.

I did get a lot accomplished this weekend from cleaning out the fridge, which had seriously bad garlic breath, to cleaning out my bedroom closet. I also managed to clean the house, weed the garden, help my sister pack boxes and even went out for dinner. I know, what can I say, I’m amazing.

Speaking of dinner, we went to the All you can Eat Indian buffet not too far from us. It always makes me feel better when I go to an all you can eat with Scott, because he seems to take that as a personal mission, to eat as much as he can possibly stuff in his face. It doesn’t make me feel so bad for not doing that. Although it makes me a bit envious, how he can shovel food in like he’s saving up for hibernation and not gain weight. Me, I look at the food and somehow it’s already relocated to my hips.

I had my favourite, butter chicken, mmm, mmm, mmm good. I still stand by my theory though, that butter chicken works wonders in cleaning out the colon. The morning after eating it my body seems to say “evacuate, evacuate!” I should patent the “butter chicken cleanse”.

I got up at five am this morning to go for a walk. It was a lovely morning, just slightly sprinkling with rain, light, birds singing, cars starting to make their way to work. I must be completely mentally unbalanced. This weekend I decided enough is enough. I was sorting through the giant pile of clothing that doesn’t fit and decided I needed to fit into them again. Cramming my body into them as is doesn’t work, trust me, I tried. Apparently there is no other way besides the whole diet and exercise thing so I guess that is what I’ll do. Again.

Speaking of being active, Finnegan is growing up too fast! He is saying new words every day and some of them I can even understand! He got a new toddler bed this weekend and loves it. By new I mean recycled from my sister, who had it in her garage. It’s in the shape of a VW Bug, with holes in the sides, ends and top. He climbed into bed last night, pulled up his covers and smiled at the daddy as he waved goodbye. He really is the cutest toddler, with his giant eyelashes that Tammy Faye Baker would be envious of.

Toddlers may be adorable but they are still gross. Finnegan was in the bathtub on Sunday morning and decided to take a poop, and not just a little poop but a giant log. One minute the kid is squatting (hey don’t judge me, I thought he was playing!) and the next minute there is a giant submarine floating in the water. Apparently he thought it was gross too so he picked it up before i could stop him and hucked it out of the tub onto the floor. That is when I did what any sane mother would do. I yelled “HONEY!  Come deal with your son!”

We went swimming last night, the outdoor pool in our townhouse complex opened this weekend, and the kids were raring to go. It was pretty nice out so we decided to try it out. I sent Scott and Meghan on a scouting mission to see if the water was okay. They came back to say it was fine so we all made our way over to the pool. I’m not sure what Scott’s definition of “fine” is but the water was colder than hell frozen over. The man is seriously delusional. I jumped in and I swear to god I couldn’t breathe. After swimming laps for a couple of minutes it wasn’t as bone chilling but it was cool. After about twenty minutes Finnegan’s teeth were chattering so loud it sounded like Morse code.

I’m thinking though, that since Scott said it was “Fine” but it wasn’t, maybe he really is beginning to understand the code of woman.

Mother's day and voluntary torture.

My body hurts. When I say this I don’t mean in a good “I’m alive” kind of way. I mean it in the most negative of ways, with a lot of whining and groaning attached. I walked in the Vancouver Sun run this past Sunday, a total of 10k in 1 hour and 50 minutes. It was a beautiful sunny, Mother’s day morning and the walk itself turned out pleasantly. In fact after I finished I smugly thought “I should do this more often”. I’m an idiot.

Three days later and I can sort of move my legs without complaining. (I complain anyway because I can). I made the mistake of going bike riding the next evening with my Girl Guide unit. Now my legs AND my ass hurt. It’s rather symbolic that I chose to torture myself on Mother’s day. It was kind of like labour and delivery in retrospect. You start out going “Hey, this isn’t so bad” to “WHAT WAS I THINKING; I DON”T WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE!” then afterwards you walk around like you crapped a baby out of your vagina for a week. Happy mother’s day to me.

Well I did it. I set a goal and accomplished it. Apparently training before hand would have prevented the whole pain issue, personally I kind of think it may have prolonged it.

When I was busy whining about it yesterday one of the ladies that work in the department next door commented that it was a good thing. I looked at her like she was insane. She completely ignored my stink eye as she then inserted common sense and logic into the conversation. She raised her perfect eyebrow and stated “We only have one body, we don’t get another one, so it’s best we take care of it” and went on to give some more sage advice before sauntering off, her perfect figure figuratively flipping me the bird.

All it made me think about was I wished I could get an upgrade. Sigh, ow!

My children and husband cleaned the house on Friday for me (sort of) for Mother’s day and were so proud of themselves you would have thought they’d cured disease. I wonder what would happen if I did that every time I cleaned the house. It was nice though and I really did bite my tongue and didn’t mention the little piles of stuff in corners, on counters, etc. That alone should have made me the best mother ever.

Meghan and I put in our garden this weekend, another layer to my body torture. The garden looks great (for now) but who knew bending was so hard when you’re fat. I ended up sitting in the middle of the garden and weeding around me. Not a pretty sight, but effective.

Torture chambers and arguments with ellipticals

So I was right, at the end of the work day today I was tired, cranky and craving Chinese food. You know I’ve read many of those inspirational stories about women who have lost weight, gotten into shape and become famous for it. While their motivation and conviction astounds me it also puzzles me. Heck I’m still trying to stop the insanity.


I wonder how the hell they had the fortitude. Me, I WANT to be healthy and thinner for sure but I can’t seem to get myself to the point where I actually begin to “live” it. If I could find a diet that had chocolate and a diet program that writing poetry would give me majorly toned muscles I’d be the fittest person by now!

So even though I was tired and cranky I went to the gym after work. Just walking in the door made me feel more tired, but I got changed and went out onto the torture floor. I got onto the elliptical machine, which by the way is harder than it looks. I love all the skinny chicks in a row pumping away, flipping their Gossip Magazines, texting and looking bored. Me, I look like I’m battling to the death with the machine and it is definitely winning.

So I managed to get the machine going eventually, by this time I’m sweating like a pig and looking around furtively hoping the cameras don’t record things. About two minutes in all of a sudden it smells like fermenting celery, I guess it stands to reason that the skinny chicks are eating copious amounts of celery to stay thin. The lady to my left sniffs loudly all of a sudden and makes a kind of strangling noise before glaring over at me in disgust. I felt like asking her if I really looked like I eat a lot of celery. Besides, when I fart, I giggle like a four year old, so it wasn’t me. But man did it stink.

To the right of me I have one of the blond skinny chicks pumping away watching the food network, which is a whole different kind of torture. About five minutes into my exercise and about ten pounds of sweat, I look over and see a triple layer fudge cake displayed on her screen. Now that’s just cruel. She’s probably also the celery farter.

Trying to amuse myself so I don’t vomit I looked to the row in front of me to witness two young, skinny girls on the treadmills with the incline so high they had to hold on with both hands. I was captivated, watching to see if one of them would fly off and make my entertainment value higher.

Done with the evil elliptical I ventured over to the circuit training section and went to work. There weren’t many people in the section so I thought it would be a great place to work out. There was one lady in front of me on station 2 when I started on #1. Obviously she didn’t read the giant instruction signs for the circuit and continued to use the machine after the light went red, then green again. A bit annoyed but ok I simply went ahead of her and continued on my way. Well she was obviously there just to annoy me because she finally got off station 2 and went straight to station 4 just ahead of me again. She proceeded to do this the ENTIRE circuit.

I think I should get a gold metal just for not running her over with a treadmill. So now I’m home, stinky, tired and irritated. AND I’m still craving Chinese food. But Sesame chicken may be bad, bad, bad for you, but it is sooo soo tasty. Instead I had a fillet of sole, brown rice and asparagus. Tomorrow it will be me farting on the treadmill.

Smoke and mirrors

"Nope, you don't look any thinner from this angle."







Ain't that always the case.  I watched a lady walk across the crosswalk this morning on my way to work who was so large she had trouble walking and all I could think about was "that could be me"!

I have the desire to be thin just not the motivation, conviction and drive and apparently as much as my 7 year old thinks they sell everything at Wal-Mart they do not sell that!

Speaking of seven year olds, mine was born without a filter.  I hope he grows into one but currently he lets you know what he's thinking when he's thinking it.  The other night he said "Mama, I'm not sayin' this to be mean but you are kinda fat.  You gotta watch out or you might have another baby".  Isn't he precious?

I saw a picture of my wedding the other day and thought "I want to look like that chick!".  You know you've fallen far when you see a cute guy you always chat with at work and now are avoiding him based solely on vanity. 

I found a new quote for my desk at work:

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.”  - Zig Zigler

Now if only I was motivated as much as I bathed! And it's a good thing I bath more than I'm motivated!

This morning I feel motivated to be thin.  Not sure how I'll be tonight, probably tired, cranky and craving Chinese food.  Besides the fact I want it now.  I'm Instant gratification girl.  Only without the tights, because just because they sell spandex in my size doesn't mean I should wear it.

Big beavers and motivation

So I made “cookies” from my “Eat Clean Diet” cookbook (if you can call them that! They’re so full of fibre, wheat germ, ground flaxseed, etc that I thought for sure I’d be pooping at rocket speed by bedtime last night. It wasn’t so, much to my confusion. So either my body is resistant or the mother load is coming. Next time I should add some butter chicken, that’ll do the trick!


Did you all see the giant beavers at the Olympics closing ceremonies? They were huge! Bigger than my beaver after three kids! I personally thought the show was hilarious and am surprised some people took offense. I really want one of those flashing beaver hats, Scott could wear it to bed, beaver hunting. :P

Well now that the Olympics are over so is my traffic nirvana. When it took me half an hour to get to work one day from Surrey to North Vancouver I almost cried I was so happy. Sadly, the people have re-entered the regular traffic and completely ruined my commute. Damn people and their return.

The “eating clean” is going as you can tell by the cookie event but to be honest I haven’t lost a pound since I was sick, although I’m pretty sure I’ve crapped enough that I should have lost twenty pounds. I have a plan of exercise this week now I just have to war against my laziness and exhaustion and actually action that plan. It looks so much better on paper; I almost wish I could leave it there.

So as I start a new week and a new exercise plan my ass wave’s goodbye to you from the skeleton track. As you can see, I’m quite enthusiastic.

Holy crap - I think I died

Okay, stop the world, I have a revelation. Apparently I am innately prone to wanting immediate gratification. Patience is not my strong suit. Scott, stop snorting, it’s not polite!

It’s been a week and 2 days and nothin’! I don’t feel much better, I haven’t lost any weight and I’ve probably peed the equivalent of Niagara falls! I know it takes time but darn it, I want it now!

I did my first aerobics class in I don’t know how long, it was labelled “Low Impact”. My god, I thought I was going to die, as the instructor in her cute little shorts and her tight abs jumped back and forth, I fumbled and bumbled in the back, going right when everyone else went left and vice versa. By about half way through I thought she was surely trying to kill the new kid in class and by the end I couldn’t walk without wobbling. It was almost more gruelling than giving birth and some of the positions certainly corresponded! My face was so red by the end of the class people were giving me weary looks.

I especially LOVED working out in front of a mirror. So my choices were stare at the perfect instructor or stare at the fat blob in the red tee shirt and a face to match doing the human wave (every step and my fat would wobble up and down, super sexy). In fact it was so attractive; I’m surprised the few men working out on weights didn’t jump me.

Anyway, I’m exercising, I’m eating right, so show me the results!

Week 1 - my change of lifestyle (no not Diet!)

Well here it is, Monday January 11, 2010, exactly one week into my “change of lifestyle”. No it’s not a diet; it’s a way of life! Okay, it may be a little like a diet.

I’ve drank so much water this week I sound like Austin Powers after he’s de-thawed every time I go to the bathroom. You know when you go into the bathroom and the person in the stall next to you keeps peeing, and peeing, and peeing, and peeing, and peeing, and peeing until you think they may never stop? That’s ME. I have a bladder the size of a thimble and I’m drinking about 4 litres of water a day, so imagine all the exercise I get going back and forth to the bathroom all day.

Well that’s multi-tasking for you! Seriously, I’ve decided to “eat clean” this year to attempt to shed the mere forty five pounds I’ve been toting around all of 2009 and to feel better overall. This means no sugar, no white flour, no artificial sweeteners, etc. So far so good, I have discovered my bladder works and there is sugar in EVERYTHING!

I haven’t had diet coke for a week and I’m just fine, no crankiness (right honey?!?!) and no headaches… ok may one or four headaches, but I’m NOT BITCHY!

I’ve exercised three times in this past week and my legs are so stiff they feel like the bendy parts are fused together. I went for a walk with Scott yesterday and had a lovely bonding time while exercising.

Scott made some great suggestions, such as how about we take a walk in the van, after a block, how about he goes back and gets the van, when we walked by Electronic Arts he suggested I leave him there and go on without him. He kept stopping and stretching his legs like he’d just run a marathon. It was GREAT, thanks honey!

Anyway, if you are reading this and are not my imaginary friend, feel free to comment and give me suggestions on losing weight. And yes Scott, I understand going to the bathroom helps you lose weight, but that doesn’t count!

Stay tuned for more fun and exciting times in the life of me…