Torture chambers and arguments with ellipticals

So I was right, at the end of the work day today I was tired, cranky and craving Chinese food. You know I’ve read many of those inspirational stories about women who have lost weight, gotten into shape and become famous for it. While their motivation and conviction astounds me it also puzzles me. Heck I’m still trying to stop the insanity.


I wonder how the hell they had the fortitude. Me, I WANT to be healthy and thinner for sure but I can’t seem to get myself to the point where I actually begin to “live” it. If I could find a diet that had chocolate and a diet program that writing poetry would give me majorly toned muscles I’d be the fittest person by now!

So even though I was tired and cranky I went to the gym after work. Just walking in the door made me feel more tired, but I got changed and went out onto the torture floor. I got onto the elliptical machine, which by the way is harder than it looks. I love all the skinny chicks in a row pumping away, flipping their Gossip Magazines, texting and looking bored. Me, I look like I’m battling to the death with the machine and it is definitely winning.

So I managed to get the machine going eventually, by this time I’m sweating like a pig and looking around furtively hoping the cameras don’t record things. About two minutes in all of a sudden it smells like fermenting celery, I guess it stands to reason that the skinny chicks are eating copious amounts of celery to stay thin. The lady to my left sniffs loudly all of a sudden and makes a kind of strangling noise before glaring over at me in disgust. I felt like asking her if I really looked like I eat a lot of celery. Besides, when I fart, I giggle like a four year old, so it wasn’t me. But man did it stink.

To the right of me I have one of the blond skinny chicks pumping away watching the food network, which is a whole different kind of torture. About five minutes into my exercise and about ten pounds of sweat, I look over and see a triple layer fudge cake displayed on her screen. Now that’s just cruel. She’s probably also the celery farter.

Trying to amuse myself so I don’t vomit I looked to the row in front of me to witness two young, skinny girls on the treadmills with the incline so high they had to hold on with both hands. I was captivated, watching to see if one of them would fly off and make my entertainment value higher.

Done with the evil elliptical I ventured over to the circuit training section and went to work. There weren’t many people in the section so I thought it would be a great place to work out. There was one lady in front of me on station 2 when I started on #1. Obviously she didn’t read the giant instruction signs for the circuit and continued to use the machine after the light went red, then green again. A bit annoyed but ok I simply went ahead of her and continued on my way. Well she was obviously there just to annoy me because she finally got off station 2 and went straight to station 4 just ahead of me again. She proceeded to do this the ENTIRE circuit.

I think I should get a gold metal just for not running her over with a treadmill. So now I’m home, stinky, tired and irritated. AND I’m still craving Chinese food. But Sesame chicken may be bad, bad, bad for you, but it is sooo soo tasty. Instead I had a fillet of sole, brown rice and asparagus. Tomorrow it will be me farting on the treadmill.