Diapers and the facts of life

My toddler is currently trying to shake his apple juice out of his cup into four of my candle holders he has lined up on the coffee table. He has one of those “leak proof” straw sippy cups, which by the way, leak. So now there is apple juice everywhere and a giggling toddler, who just grins at me when I tell him to play with his toys and not my things.
He has strange ideas of what is fun. For instance, apparently my ass is a race track and my cleavage is a storage unit. The other night when I was at my sisters for dinner, Finnegan came running up behind me and drove his toy car around my butt, giggling all the way. Then he put his arms up for me to pick him up and then stuffed his car into my cleavage before getting down and running away.

Now he’s running in circles giggling like a mad man. What a weirdo. He must get that from Scott. Speaking of Scott, this weekend we’re like strangers in the night, he’s throwing his tired body into bed as I’m peeling my tired body out of bed. Graveyard shifts seriously stink, he’s up all night and sleeps all day, and I’m just the opposite. Don’t tell him (it may go to his head) but I miss his sorry ass when he’s not around. Someone’s got to do the cooking!

So at dinner the other night the subject of hair came up. My sister mentioned that she only shaves infrequently because she doesn’t get much hair. I sighed and admitted that if I didn’t maintain, I’d have a full moustache, hairier arms than Scott and a bush that a seventy’s porn star would envy. I have to shave every day, I feel like a damn chiapet, water me and my hair just keeps on growing. I also get the odd lovely pubic hair on my chin, which god knows where that came from. The other day I reached up to scratch my chin and discovered a hair about two feet long. How did nobody notice and tell me I was growing a fu man chu on my chin? I pulled that sucker out quicker than you could say boo, but it was still disturbing.

As I get older, more hair pops up in wonderful places. For instance, what is with the sudden sprouting of whiskers around my nipples? Can we say EWWWWW? Luckily I pull them out before Scott notices, because I can’t see him saying “ooh, sexy!” Now that he’s probably just read this, he too will need shock therapy. If I stop maintaining maybe one day I can look like I’m always wearing a sweater, in old age Scott and I could be twins. That would be fun.

Speaking of growing, my little girl is growing up. She’s got boobs. It’s just weird. She got her period for the first time last month, and this weekend she and Logan were going to their other dad’s house. Being about a month since she had her last monthly, I told her to pack some pads just in case she got it while on the Island. Unfortunately for her, Logan was in the bathroom when the feminine supplies were being retrieved. Scott had run up to grab them while Megs was getting something else to pack. When Scott pulled them out of the cupboard, Logan asked “What are those?”

Scott simply told him that they were for Meghan. Logan then pipes up “Meghan wears diapers?!?!?” Scott not wanting to touch that one with a fifty foot pole, simply left the bathroom for safer ground.

When I went upstairs a few moments later, Logan repeated his question to me “Meghan wears diapers?!?!?”

Trust me when I tell you I wanted to hot foot it out of there on Scott’s heels but somewhere along the line I got it into my thick head to be honest with my kids and explain the facts of life in a no nonsense manner when they had questions. So that’s what I did. I explained to him that girls get a period, to which he interrupted and piped in “uh, the thing at the end of a sentence?”

Trying very hard to keep my composure, I said “No bud, when a woman’s body is getting ready to house a baby it collects blood and tissue and stuff and stores it in case.” To that he said “You’re gonna have another baby?” To which I said “NO!!”, to which he replied after brief thought “Meghan’s gonna have a baby?!?!”

At this point I again contemplated jumping ship and leaving it at that but I didn’t want him telling everyone that not only does Meghan wear a diaper but she’s having a baby too. I could imagine the phone call home from school. So explained, patiently (don’t snort Scott, its rude!) that no, neither mommy or Meghan were going to have a baby, Meghan not for a VERY VERY VERY VERY long time and me never again! But our bodies get ready every month just in case a baby is made (thank god he didn’t then ask, how do you make a baby) and if a baby is not made then our bodies get rid of all the blood and tissue and we have to wear a pad so our underwear doesn’t get all yucky.

To this my seven year old son stated with a disgusted look on his face “That’s just disturbing, I’m glad I’m not a girl!” I replied with the only thing that came to mind at the time. “Me too bud, me too.”

So you can see, life here in my world is pretty much the same as in every household. Right?

Bubble baths and Hobbits

Have you ever looked at your toes? I mean really looked? I sat on the couch last night and stared at my feet for a very long time (I was supposed to be completing the year end for our Girl Guide Unit’s financial books but apparently have the same focus problems as my son – “Oh look, Shiny!”). I discovered something very interesting. Feet are ugly. Even worse, toes are VERY ugly. They look like discombobulated fingers with hair on them!

Okay maybe only my toes have hair, and not the average woman, but hey what can I say, if I were born on Middle Earth I would have been a Hobbit, which also explains the second breakfast and the fat ass! Anyway, back to toes, stare at yours for a while. Are they not ugly or what?

Although I still think baby toes are cute. I stared at Finnegan’s toes last night and they didn’t get ugly, even after really looking. In fact they were all pink and cute and kissable. Don’t know where he got them from because mine are definitely ugly and I wouldn’t kiss Scott’s feet if he paid me.

Speaking of toddlers, last night at the usually bath time Finnegan discovered something new and wonderful! If you fart in the bathtub it makes bubbles! He giggled like mad and tried to push another one out. He managed to get another one out and burst into a chorus of delightful giggles that had me smiling (even though my feet are ugly). He only managed them twice and then pushed so hard I thought for sure he was going to poop in the tub. Luck was on my side however.

Then he stood up and peed in the tub, which makes him impossibly happy, although it was kind of gross when he tried to catch the flow. Kids are seriously gross specimens.

So Scott went to Parent teacher conferences for the kids yesterday (they recently got their second report card). Apparently Logan, our seven year old son, has problems focusing. I know this shocks those of you who know him that his ten second attention span causes problems focusing. We were shocked too. Seriously, it’s like telling us that Logan has a penis. “Yes, thank you teacher, we know, he’s always touching it”.

I feel badly for his teacher, she’s a very lovely lady who works hard with Logan and I have no ideas for her. Well, except Duct tape and apparently that’s against school policy. What makes it worse is his teacher also had Meghan as a student (Logan’s big sister) who is brilliant, thoughtful, listens and can focus and pay attention (well now that puberty has hit we’re having our doubts!). I did warn his teacher. I said to her at the beginning of the year “remember Meghan and what a pleasure you said she was to have in your class? Well Logan’s not like that. Except he’s cute and charming.” I think perhaps she thought I was either joking or exaggerating.

A quick update on Meghan, she’s been diagnosed with Benign Rolandic Seizure disorder, which I suppose is the least of the issues it could have been. We are immensely relieved, although we still have to have the baby monitor in her room. When I Googled the disorder it mentioned that children with this may have behavioural problems. Meghan has displayed this recently. It’s called puberty.

Anyway, that is a day in the life of me. I obviously need to get out more.