Posts
I know I haven’t posted in a while, as life interrupts my random thoughts it seems to pull me away from what I love to do – write commentary on life. Like a giant monologue that nobody really wanted to read and sharing too much information to leave those who dare to read with a lasting image of an otherwise mundane life.
The problem is, in my current state of mind I can’t find that funny tidbit to share with you. I’m sure I could drag some story out of the pooping battles I’m currently having with the three year old or the comedic mishaps that happen here often in the McEwen household. I just can’t muster the energy. January has been a cold and gray and dreary month filled with too much work and not enough play, which oddly enough doesn’t really stimulate my silly story juices.
So instead I’m going to be all serious on you. Do you ever think about death? Now don’t panic, I’m not thinking about death in the imminent sense or the “I can’t take it” sense but more in the “what do I want to accomplish” sense. Scott’s grandma, who was a lovely lady, just passed away at the age of 90 last week and it got me to thinking “what if I don’t have that much time?” It made me do a little mental inventory.
I thought about the ol’ bucket list. Now I know some people have places they want to see but if I never travel again that would be okay. Rather boring I suppose but not earth shattering. I always wanted to see Ireland for some odd reason but from what I understand it rains there a lot. It rains here in Vancouver a lot too, so is that enough?
I think my deepest, most selfish personal wish would be to publish a book. Writing is my passion, it actually makes me happy to do, and it makes me even happier to have people read and enjoy. Still, realistically and statistically speaking I probably have just as much of a chance of getting run over by a bus. Not my preferred method of departing the world but at least it wouldn’t really matter if I was wearing clean underwear.
No, I think the number one item on my “bucket list” is to make a difference with my kids. When I die, and I will one day, sadly the case with every human, I want my children to look back at their childhood with me and believe that their life is better, even a little because of me. The one thing I would like my children to have a positive idea of is their self worth and self esteem. They mean different things according to the internet.
According to lessons4living.com self worth means “Self-worth is what you are born with. As one of the creations of the universe you are worthwhile and have value, which cannot be taken from you. You can’t lose it, but you can lose sight of it. You can forget your value.”
Self esteem means “How you feel about yourself is self-esteem. It is your perception of how you are doing in the world. Self-esteem may go up or down depending upon what is happening to you”
The reason I find this so important is sometimes I forget my own self worth and I have to really work at finding it again. I don’t know why that is, whether the people in my life when I was a child didn’t talk about it or I wasn’t listening (which is a distinct possibility) but through my life I have had moments where I honestly couldn’t see my worth. I know I am an intelligent, caring, hard working person that sometimes gets through just on stubbornness alone, but I often have to remind myself of that. My hope for my kids is that I tell them enough and they build their self esteem and confidence enough that they won’t spend so much time having to focus on it. It will be an innate sense of self that creates confidence (not arrogance) and selfishly I hope they look back and think “My mom helped me with that”.
That may go back to my own self esteem issues and wanting people to acknowledge that I am worthy:P
Not an exciting or titillating bucket list so far:
1. Maybe visit Ireland – or stand in back yard in a rainstorm with Celtic music playing in the background
2. Publish a book but not at the expense of getting hit by a bus
3. See my children grow into strong, confident and lovely adults
4. Oh and I suppose I should add spend as much time with my husband as possible so he doesn’t feel left out
I’m working on that list, in the meantime I’m staying away from buses and hoping to have 90 or so years to figure out what I really want to be when I grow up.
