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I have a pregnant friend who is experiencing all of the joys of pregnancy and new motherhood for the first time. I remember that time. When you’re pregnant with that first baby, oblivious of what the future holds except for the psychologically sound baby advice read from the crisp pages of your baby book. Well that and the hundreds of tidbits of advice you receive from every well meaning, “been there, done that” relative, friend, co-worker, stranger in the grocery store line up. People are full of advice. Tips and tricks about what to do and how to tell if your child is a boy or girl, how to cure hiccups, what and how to feed, diaper, speak to, do, not do in every situation. Unfortunately the advice you’ll receive will contradict one another, be decades and six theories too late or downright ridiculous until you don’t remember what you read was acceptable and what the well meaning lady fondling mangos in the produce section said.
It really doesn’t matter though, if you’ve given birth or even just have a vagina, it seems you have an opinion about pregnancy, birth and babies. Yes I’ve been there and done that, three times as a matter of fact. I have three wonderful kids who I love dearly but if anyone tells you motherhood is such a beautiful experience they just aren’t telling you the whole truth. I’m not going to give you any such advice except to maybe ignore every single word of advice you get and do what seems right for you. Simple but often effective for sure.
So instead of typical advice I’m going to regale you with some truths that those well meaning people fail to mention and when you come across it, you think “What the F...?!” Unfortunately these truths are not in any particular chronological order but as random thoughts come, it’s just the way I roll. That and every pregnancy sucked a little more of the intelligence from my brain until it left me forgetful and sleep deprived.
Truth #1 – Me time
Nobody tells you that “me time” stops being between the hours of 6pm and 10pm and ceases to exist. With new infants, “even the good ones” alone time becomes a thing of myth. The hours between midnight and five am become your “me time” if you’re lucky and don’t kid yourself that this will change as baby becomes a little more independent. That too is a myth; the little leeches continue to feed off of your energy for a very long time, maybe even forever. As an infant if the kid isn’t attached to your boob, on the change table while you try to wrestle the sixteenth poopy diaper in three hours off, they’re in your arms as you try to rock them in every position you can think of, which leads me to my next truth:
Truth # 2 – kama sutra
You know you’re a parent when trying out new positions isn’t by looking into your handy copy of the most current sex manual but by shuffling junior to the football position instead of the cradle position, all the while wishing you were in the foetal position. Sex becomes a hurried chore where the foreplay consists of “hurry up I’m tired and the baby’s going to wake up soon”.
Truth #3 – stretch marks
I know there are women out there that would say to me “I didn’t get any stretch marks” and to them I say quite sincerely “I hate you”. During my first pregnancy I slathered on cocoa butter lotion on my body until I was more lubricated than a pig roasting over an open flame. I diligently applied said lubricant twice a day, thinking arrogantly “I, am not going to get stretch marks”. Before kids I knew everything, sadly after three kids I realize I don’t know squat. Back to the stretch marks, I managed to get almost all the way through pregnancy before my skin finally gave way to the inevitable. There is not much more horrifying than to wake up with pinstriped skin. I like to pretend they’re just an interesting roadmap to my interesting life but I’ve always had a warped imagination and really I’m trying to make them sound all exciting. They aren’t, not even in the smallest sense, although being a roadmap would be great except it would be on the road to nowhere except in crazy circles. Then again, they just may be the roadmap to my life!
Truth #5
Newborns are not usually very attractive. Motherhood does something to our brain cells to make us believe they are. When Meghan, my oldest was born I thought she was the most beautiful sight in the world. I recently took a look at her newborn photo and went “Whoa, what the heck is that”. She looks like a pint sized extra terrestrial boxer who lost the match. She’s beautiful now but man was she scary looking at birth.
Now the question remains, can you handle more truths?
