peeing in the dark

I’m eating salad. Yum. Really. Okay, maybe not yum but its okay, not entirely rabbit like. I brought a frozen weight watchers meal today and when I pulled it out to go warm it up I couldn’t stomach the idea of eating it, I’m not sure why. So I went to the market downstairs to get something for lunch.

You should be proud of me; I skipped the Chinese food, the Indian butter Chicken (sings off key”three butter chickens, two nosy in-laws and a totally insufficient dowry!”To hear song click here) and went to the salad bar. I could lie and say it was just as satisfying as the other two would have been but that’s not me.

Instead I’m going to whine about it. A lot. I even put ground flax seed on my salad so I should be spending half the afternoon in the bathroom purging, which is great to do in an employee bathroom with three stalls and usually a line up. It doesn’t help that I’ll be giggling while simultaneously trying to muffle said giggles with coughing.

But I always hear it’s good to spread the love, so I figure, instead of just me whining; now someone will be whining about the person stinking up the bathroom. My luck it will be a VP or something who happens to be waiting. Do you ever go into a public bathroom and have to do your business, which then takes a while? Then inevitably a line forms and now you’re stuck. Do you do the walk of shame and come out of the stall that smells like a barn or do you hide in the stall until they all go away?

I usually hide, which is great when there’s a big line up and my feet fall asleep. When the coast is finally clear I try to stand up and fall over. That’s graceful and sanitary (have you ever really looked at the floor in a public bathroom – yuck!) I’ve taken to bringing reading material with me when I know I’m going to be a while. I’m one of those people who can’t sit without having something to do for more than a minute. So I bring a newspaper, or a novel or worst case scenario I pull out my cell phone and play bejewelled.

It seriously sucks when I’m visiting someone’s house and the evil stomach cramps strike. Not only is it embarrassing to stink up a friend’s bathroom but also because most people don’t keep reading material in their bathrooms (I do). After about a minute (oh come on I do wait a whole minute which feels like forever when I’m trapped on the potty) I start to read things like the back of shampoo bottles. When really desperate and I’ve already done that I try to read the French writing and translate. Is that pathetic or what?

So people, if I’m coming over for dinner could you maybe throw some magazines onto the back of the toilet? That’d be great thanks!

Speaking of bathrooms, my sister gave me a bottle of Vitamin B this past weekend; apparently it helps with Stress. Why do you think she figures I have stress? Maybe the nervous twitch or the shampoo bottle reading?

Anyway, I’ve figured out the secret to why they help with stress. I happened to peak into the toilet this morning as I was flushing about an hour after I took the Vitamin. Either I am peeing toxic waste or the vitamin turns my urine a vibrant psychedelic yellow. Just seeing it in the toilet and imaging either not flushing and the next persons reaction or turning off the lights and still being able to see my pee made me feel so much better.

In fact I left the bathroom giggling and in much better spirits.