Farting my ABC's

I’ve discovered I’m a smart ass. No really. My ass talks, but that may be a result of the sausage and egg breakfast sandwich I ate from Tim Horton’s this morning. Good thing it wasn’t alphagetti, I’d be farting my ABC’s!

Have I mentioned my kids are in running club? At their school in April and May they have running club, where students from Kindergarten to Grade 7 can run laps after school and they get ribbons for every 10 kilometres they complete (total distance). Well Logan doesn’t like to exercise unless it’s fun. Walk a metre in the mall and he’s whining his feet hurt but the kid has bounced for five hours straight in a bouncy castle and nary a complaint!

When the notice came out this year Logan informed me that he would not be joining the running club this year “cause it’s boring”. Well I discovered at that particular moment a use for Logan’s lack of filter. Let me fill you in on the background first:
Logan came to me one day and said:

“Mama, I don’t wanna hurt your feelin’s but I gotta tell you, you’re getting kinda fat…you better be careful or you’ll have another baby”

Nice kid huh? You can’t be angry at a kid that looks so sincere, his eyebrows furrowed in worry and his humongous brown eyes solemn.

So now let’s go back to the running club discussion. So when Logan came to me to let me know his feelings about running club, I said to him:

“Logan do you remember when you told me that you didn’t mean to hurt my feelings but I was getting kinda fat?...Well honey, so are you”

The look on his face was priceless, I still giggle when I think about it. Needless to say he joined the running club.

I had a wonderful weekend in Portland Oregon; it’s a lovely city with lovely people. Although the people I was with snore. Well not all of them, Katie, the seven year old doesn’t snore, she was the only quiet one when sleeping (which is odd, since awake she doesn’t stop talking!). Darien, the thirteen year old didn’t snore either but chewed in her sleep, which was fun since I was sharing a bed with miss chewy pants.

Bill and Tracey had a lovely snore duet going on, which was fantastic. They sounded like a pair of motorcycles racing to the finish. I think Bill won. Then there was Logan, who was sleeping on the floor on a blow up mattress. The kid sounded like he was wrestling something fiercely and kept talking in his sleep. “No Katie, don’t!” (Apparently he argues with her even in his sleep!)

Don’t worry; I got even with all of these noisy sleepers Saturday morning. I couldn’t sleep so I got up, had a shower, rustled noisily through the snack bag, then when completely bored I flung open the curtains and yelled “GOOD MORNING!” in my sunshiniest voice. Let me tell you, they all loved that!

I obviously have no annoying habits when sleeping. How would I know since I’d be sleeping you ask? Well I’m perfect, that’s why. Thankfully Scott doesn’t snore much. When he does he gets an elbow to the ribcage and a curt command to “ROLL OVER!” That’s not the annoying thing though. It’s his twitching that’s annoying. There is nothing worse than cuddling up to my honey in a warm cozy bed, drifting off to slumberville and suddenly twitchy boy jumps like he’s got jumper cables attached to his genitals. For some reason when he’s falling asleep he twitches. It scares the crap out of me every time. I tell you if he weren’t so damn cute he’d be sleeping on the floor.

I don’t snore, I don’t twitch, I don’t chew in my sleep, I don’t wrestle or argue with friends, I sleep quietly and with grace. It’s when I am awake that I wreak havoc.